I
watched a movie recently in which a question was asked:
When
was the first time you felt like a man? When did you first say to yourself I am
a man?
I
have been thinking about this question the last few weeks. It has been a
struggle.
I
thought about buying my first used car when I was 16. I thought about the time
I obtained my first credit card when I was 17. I thought about graduating High
School and when I bought my first new car a few months later. I thought about
taking my first interstate road trip all by myself.
Then
I thought about things like when I got married, bought my first house, and when
I became a father. I don’t remember saying to myself at any of those times “I
am a man”. Then I thought about activities described as “adult”. But none of
those triggered that response either.
Now
for honesty in blogging – I might have thought of myself as a man at any of
those occasions. But in looking back through time I don’t remember those being
the moment that triggered the realization I am a man. I certainly don’t view them
as establishing my identity as man.
I
didn’t feel like I was a man until I was in my mid 30’s. I am not saying that
because I am so much older now and can see my mistakes of youth or
inexperience. Nor is it because I was selfish and immature making foolish
decisions. I have not lived a party, carefree, irresponsible lifestyle.
It
is because it took me that long to get a decent paying job that could
consistently pay the basic bills; required me to dress “professionally”; and
had a Monday to Friday, 8:00 – 5:00 type work week.
I
have come to the conclusion that my identity as a man is linked largely with my
career.
My
job is not my identity. My job does not define who I am. Yet I link them
together. I can tell myself (and others) over and over but my words and my
feelings don’t always match. It is difficult to re-image who I am apart from
what I do to make a living. This is what I continue to work on in my life.
Now
I ask you.
When
did you first feel like a man or a woman? Or when did you first consider
yourself a man or woman?
